


He's a worrier

by Ssen



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: 2Jae, Cute Jaebeom, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, It's just really soft I swear, M/M, Supportive Youngjae, The others are mentionned, Writing this made me so emotional, jaebeom is shy, so is youngjae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23858428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ssen/pseuds/Ssen
Summary: Jaebeom looks so good under the moonlight. It illuminates his face in such a gentle way, yet the shadows under his sharp cheekbones and jaw are so hard. It makes him look like he really is. Dark, mysterious, yet so worthy of their love and trust. Youngjae can’t stop staring. It’s so rare, he thinks. It’s so rare to see him with his walls down.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB
Comments: 9
Kudos: 66





	He's a worrier

It’s rare to see Jaebeom like that.

Jaebeom is a worrier. He’s smart, in a complicated way. The way that makes him think too much. He’s always wondering. It’s the scientific method, to doubt everything, and that’s also what he does, all the time. Most of the time when he’s silent, it means he’s rethinking things. Like, what type of errors he made in the past ( he didn’t make any ). Or what he could have done better, how he could be a better person ( he’s already perfect ). 

Most of the time he doubts himself. It’s quite sad to see him doing so. He’s so calm and confident on the outside, but his mind is constantly agitated. Sometimes when he stares at him a lot Youngjae tries to guess what kind of questions he’s asking himself. He’s one of the only people who can have an idea about it, because Jaebeom has voiced the thoughts out loud to him, when his low, sad voice was barely audible through the speakers of his phone.  _ Did I take the right decisions ? Did I hurt anyone ? Am I good enough ?  _

Sometimes it’s about his future.  _ Will I make it ? Is my dream unreachable ?  _

Sometimes it’s about his capacities. But most of the times it’s about who he is, as a person. He’s a cold one. Because he’s awkward around people he doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to show what he thinks are weaknesses, he’s a bit of a tsundere. Never acts bad, but still distant and intimidating. Because of that he often feels guilty, thinking that he acted rude to someone when, in fact, the person didn’t think about it twice and immediately forgot. Youngjae knows it, he can feel it. How unconfident Jaebeom really is, how every single word he speaks is important to him, how, every night laying in his bed, under the comfort of his sheets, he always thinks about what he said or did earlier that day to make sure he didn’t do anything wrong. He has seen him doing this, so many times. 

The thing is, Jaebeom is one of these people who will never be satisfied. He will always think he can be better, do better. He will compliment himself and accept compliments from others, but deep in his brain there will always be that small voice telling him it’s not enough. It never quietens. He wants to be perfect. 

Jaebeom is a worrier, he’s complicated, he’s clever and knows a lot of things, but what he ignores is how he’s already perfect. There are so many ways, to be perfect. You can be perfect by being a caring social butterfly, like Jackson, willing to help anyone and everyone. You can be perfect by being a sassy school representative like Jinyoung, making use of your popularity to look for people who seem down and reach them to help if they need it. You can be perfect by being quiet and shy like Mark, never making the first step toward someone but listening to people who need to talk. You can be perfect by being an annoying kid like Yugyeom and Kunpimook, making people happy effortlessly, just by being yourself, just by having this special, unique, contagious happiness. And you can definitely be perfect by being that unreachable student, who only helps his close friends because he’s too awkward and scared to have serious talks with anyone else. It’s okay to be shy, to not know what to say sometimes, it’s okay because Jaebeom is good at what he does. He’s so caring and soft once he’s comfortable with people. Jaebeom is so good. 

It’s sad, to see him like that. Even when the seven of them are laughing and joking around a table, in their own world; even when it’s just the two of them, cuddling on a couch; even when they are talking about each other’s insecurities with gentle voices and quiet carefulness, Youngjae always feels like he’s watching him from afar. Because Jaebeom is so perfect, but yet so hard to grasp. Because Jaebeom is someone he puts on a pedestal, because he’s someone he admires, because he’s someone he wants to be like. Because in Youngjae’s eyes, Jaebeom is the most perfect one among them.

But Jaebeom is stubborn. No matter how many times they tell him, he won’t believe them. It’s okay, because that’s who he is. It’s sad, but it’s what makes him such a good person, somehow. He works so hard. He overthinks, so much, but thanks to that he has an opinion on everything and it’s always perfect. Youngjae has never met someone with such a beautiful mind. Nobody would have guessed, at first glance, that this cold, bored-looking guy, with leather jackets and rings and earrings and ripped pants, was so pure, so angelic. 

Youngjae wants to see. So he stares. He stares a lot. From afar, from up close, he stares and looks and observes. He likes what he sees, always. How cautious Jaebeom is, how hard he tries to show that it’s not a big deal when absolutely everything is a big deal for him. How he takes a little while before talking or acting because he always takes his time to think things through. How he runs his hand in his hair and purses his lips and how his jaw works when he’s nervous or irritated. How he never loses his calm even if he’s constantly unsure, doubting, put under self-induced pressure. He’s endearing and Youngjae is so proud. He doesn’t want to miss a second of it. 

And that night, he stares, because it’s so rare to see him like this. So relaxed and calm and quiet. His breathing is slow and Youngjae is pretty sure that his pulse is, too. 

He stares. He watches how handsome he looks from his point of view. Laying on his back in the wild grass, with his arms crossed behind his head, with one of his legs bent slightly while the other one is stretched. It’s casual. Nonchalant. Lazy, even. Jaebeom looks so good under the moonlight. It illuminates his face in such a gentle way, yet the shadows under his sharp cheekbones and jaw are so hard. It makes him look like he really is. Dark, mysterious, yet so worthy of their love and trust. Youngjae can’t stop staring. It’s so rare, he thinks. It’s so rare to see him with his walls down. His face shows no expression at all but this time it’s not because he hides, he knows it. It’s because he has, for once, stopped overthinking. It won’t last. But Youngjae is so, so glad that he can rest his poor, overused brain, even just for a while.

It makes sense that it happens now. It’s been a good night. A good week, actually. They’re in holidays; the stress and pressure from college left behind them when they all got in Jinyoung’s van and he drove them away from the city. For a few days now they’ve lived together in a cottage in the mountains. Jaebeom likes the mountains, way more than Youngjae, Mark and Bambam do. He likes the serenity and the landscapes and he likes the cool breeze that makes the summer heat more bearable. He likes being away from everything, he likes the walks near the river and he likes laying on the grass at night, staring at the stars. 

Youngjae likes all of that too. He likes the beautiful landscapes because he can stare at Jaebeom while Jaebeom stares at them. He likes the night sky because he can stare at Jaebeom while Jaebeom stares at it. And he likes everything else because Jaebeom likes it and he wants Jaebeom to be happy. It’s funny, how everything is about Jaebeom. He’s always thought that people saying “ you are my everything “ to their lovers were cheesy and stupid. But he’s pretty sure Jaebeom is his everything now. Or more like, he is everything. He’s not  _ his _ . He doesn’t belong to anyone and Youngjae is fine with it. Jaebeom is strong, independant, and he’s everything Youngjae sees. 

Jaebeom is a worrier, but right now he is so appeased, so serene, that it’s hard for Youngjae to believe his eyes. He’s just lying there, unmoving, staring at the sky. His chest is heaving and falling in the slow rhythm of his breathing. The only sound they can hear is the crickets singing and an owl in the distance. It’s soothing. 

Somewhere, at the other side of the mountain they’re facing, there’s a storm. They can see the sudden flashes of light even if the lightnings in themselves are invisible. They can’t hear anything, though, the thunder echoing against the mountainside and it’s probably loud as fuck in the other valley but it can’t reach their ears. It’s funny, because the sky is so clear where they are. All the stars visible, making the dark blue of the night look milky. It’s mesmerizing. 

Youngjae and Jaebeom like storms. They both think it’s impressive and beautiful and, somehow, soothing.

Youngjae and Jaebeom like stars. In fact, Youngjae likes them so much that, when the seven of them were there, lying in a circle and looking at the sky, he kept pointing at the sky and teaching them facts about stars and galaxies and constellations. Like that shiny, yellow bright point that was probably Saturn. And - Oh, this is the constellation of the swan, you can only see it in summer. 

He loves it. How, after a busy day of hiking and visiting places and acting like fools, they could all lay there and rest and get amazed by the beauty of the night. He loves how he could hear Jackson, Bambam and Yugyeom, always so energetic even when they were exhausted, in their own world, laughing and snickering, while Mark, Jinyoung and Jaebeom were quiet, listening to him telling the stories and myths behind every constellations he knew. Jaebeom and Mark were probably only half there, stuck somewhere in their brain, thinking about god-knows-what. Jinyoung had this pretty, calm grin of his that he always has when he’s learning new things and when he’s proud that it’s one of his best friends who’s teaching it. 

Youngjae felt so good. So loved. 

But now everyone is gone, each one of them lying down on their bed, inside the cottage, leaving only Jaebeom and Youngjae outside. When Jinyoung got up it left an awkward gap between the two of them, but none of them moved. Jaebeom hasn’t said a single word since they laid down. 

Jaebeom and Youngjae love the mountains and they love storms and they love stars but Youngjae only has eyes for Jaebeom right now. Of course he’s staring. He can’t not. 

Everything is so gentle. The breeze, how it makes the long grass move against Jaebeom’s cheeks. The light, how it dances against Jaebeom’s face and how sometimes, a lightning illuminates it for a second. How calm Jaebeom’s brain is. 

Youngjae would love to get closer, to touch, to breathe the same air as him, to be able to smell his cologne, but he doesn’t know if he’s allowed. He knows his place is next to Jaebeom, with him, by his side, but he doesn’t know how close he can get. 

His relationship with Jaebeom is special. Not weird, but unique. 

They’re close. It’s an evidence. Jaebeom trusts Youngjae. He’s the kind of guy who doesn’t like to talk about his feelings a lot. He usually keeps everything to himself. And he’s stubborn. If he’s decided that he won’t share something then there’s nothing they can do to make him open up. 

Sometimes he talks to Jinyoung. It’s not a lot but he does share his thoughts. The one he has taken time to think about, the ones that are resolved. It’s always realistic and objective. He tells him “ Oh, I’ve been rude to that guy today, I’m gonna apologize to him tomorrow “. Or “ I’ve done this but I could have done better, I think. Next time I’ll try that strategy that I’ve spent hours thinking about last night even if it’s a detail without any importance. “ 

  
Jaebeom is like that. He talks to people about things that are alright. He talks to them when he has already made things right. He talks to them when he’s fine. 

With Youngjae, though, it’s kinda different. Sometimes, late at night, when they’re both in their own beds with the lights off and their small devices pressed against their ears, he tells him. His doubts, his unanswered questions. He tells him about all the things he can’t control, all the things he doesn’t know. 

When he says “ I think this guy hates me “ and Youngjae asks “ Why ? “ he answers “ I don’t know. “ 

When he says “ I think I’m lacking something “ and Youngjae asks “ What ? “ he answers “ I don’t know. “ 

When he says “ I think I could be better “ and Youngjae asks “ How ? “ he answers “ I don’t know. “ 

Jaebeom is always trying so hard to think rationally and objectively. At first Youngjae thought he was supposed to think like that for him too. At first, he thought he had to make a list of all the things that were obviously, undoubtedly, objectively good about Jaebeom. He thought it was how he was supposed to care for him, to make him feel better.

But Jaebeom was a worrier. Jaebeom was smart but complicated and every time Youngjae tried to compliment him rationally he would answer “ Yes, but… “ and he never believed him.

  
  
That’s when Youngjae understood that Jaebeom didn’t need rational. He was rational, Youngjae wasn’t, so of course he couldn’t bring him anything good by trying to do so. What Jaebeom needed when he was overthinking was praises, a different point of view. He did not need to hear what everyone thought, impersonal compliments. He needed to know Youngjae’s feelings. He needed to know what  _ he  _ thought. He needed love. 

So Youngjae told him. How good, how perfect he was. How he hoped he could be like him someday. How impressed, how proud of him he was. He told him about all the things he saw Jaebeom doing that made him think,  _ wow, he’s so incredible _ . He told him, with a quiet and gentle voice, “ Hyung, if you could see yourself the way I see you, you’d become so arrogant. Sometimes I can’t believe you’re even real. “ 

It always ended the same way. Jaebeom would stay silent, receiving praise after praise quietly and then when Youngjae, after what always felt like hours, would run out of things to say, he would murmur “ Thank you so much “, voice strained and full of feelings and the next day when they see each other he would hug the hell out of him. Sometimes he would whisper against his ear “ If someone like you admire me, it must mean I’m really, really good, because you’re the absolute best “ and Youngjae would smile like a fool and blush like an idiot. 

Jaebeom is a worrier, he’s smart, in a complicated way. Youngjae isn’t. He’s smart, in a simple way. He is optimistic while Jaebeom is always as realistic as he can be. Youngjae understands the insecurities. He has some, too. He knows he’s too noisy and he thinks his voice isn’t good enough yet and he’s scared when he has exams and he’s shy. But Youngjae is natural. He acts on impulse, does what he feels like doing, says what’s on his mind without really thinking too much. He trusts people around him to tell him when he goes too far and to forgive him when he makes mistakes. Because he knows it’s okay. He knows people can make mistakes without being monsters. He knows he’s good. He has good intentions and even if he’s awkward and clumsy, he’s also caring and helpful and he’s okay. 

And when his friends hug him and tell him that he’s perfect and that they love him, he trusts them. 

He doesn’t need more. His friends’ love is enough for him to love himself. For Jaebeom, it isn’t. He’ll never fully love himself. He can be proud sometimes, but it never lasts. He can always do better. Youngjae thinks he doesn’t need to. He’ll get insecure if Jaebeom becomes any better. 

Youngjae loves himself and he loves his friends but he loves Jaebeom so much more. Even when he’s just laying there doing nothing and saying nothing and even if everything around them sounds and looks so amazing, all he can stare at and think about is Jaebeom. 

Jaebeom is everything. 

And Jaebeom is feeling so good right now. Youngjae loves how he can feel it, see it. He loves how he’s one of the few people who managed to get close to him, close enough to be able to understand. 

He doesn’t know how much time he’s spent staring at him, watching him breathe, blink, watching him just be. Just by being alive Jaebeom is mesmerizing. 

It could have been minutes or hours or ages after Jinyoung’s departure, when Jaebeom parts his lips and says, voice barely above a whisper, “ You missed a shouting star. “ 

  
It’s easy to guess that he knows that Youngjae is staring. He feels his cheeks heat up but he can’t bring himself to look away from him. Jaebeom is everything he wants to look at. 

“ Did I ? “ he says at the same volume, neither of them wanting to disturb the quiet of the night. Jaebeom hums, slowly, lazily. “ Did you make a wish then ? “ Youngjae asks and Jaebeom chuckles.

“ You know I don’t believe in this kind of things. “ 

Of course he does. Jaebeom is not a believer. He believes in what is absolutely, necessary true and nothing else, while Youngjae is scared of ghosts and he talks to his grandmother when he visits his grave because he believes she can hear him. 

“ It doesn’t matter then. “ he murmurs and he watches as Jaebeom’s thin lips stretch into a sleepy grin. 

“ You should enjoy the view ‘Jae. You won’t be able to see something like that when we’re back to Seoul. “ 

“ My view is as great as yours, hyung. “ Youngjae answers, honestly. He’s shy and he wants to cringe but he’s not scared. 

This time Jaebeom loses his smile and he finally turns his head, letting his cheek fall against the grass. He stares at him, Youngjae stares back.

  
  
It’s funny how different their stares are. Jaebeom’s one isn’t filled with all the awe Youngjae knows his eyes are full of. Jaebeom has the eyes of an adult, of someone who has lost trust and who has to fight. They aren’t shiny, bright, they aren’t expressive. They are the eyes of someone who plays a role. 

Youngjae’s eyes are the ones of a child, he knows it. He knows the stars are probably reflecting in them because of how big, dark, wet they are. He knows they are warm, bright. He knows he has the eyes of someone who still believes and still sees things with the naivety and imagination of someone who doesn’t worry. He knows he had the eyes of a dreamer. 

And some might think that his biggest dream is being a singer but really, his dream is Jaebeom. His whole life is Jaebeom. Because Jaebeom is everything and it’s so much that sometimes it hurts and he feels like tearing up, not because he’s sad or happy, but just because it’s overwhelming. It’s always about Jaebeom. 

Jaebeom, who smiles again, while anywhere else he would have averted his eyes and act as if nothing happened. He grins a calm pretty smile at he stretches his arm toward him and offers him his hand. 

“ Come here. “ he whispers.

Despite the order, Youngjae doesn’t quite know what to do. He’s always shy when he’s with Jaebeom, way more than with his other friends, because he’s scared of taking things too far and he’s scared of hurting Jaebeom and making him more insecure than he is already. So he carefully places his own hand on top of his and he stays there, letting Jaebeom do the next move, letting him set the pace. 

Jaebeom intertwines their fingers and tugs softly. Obediently, Youngjae comes closer, sitting up briefly and letting Jaebeom lie him down the way he want to. He ends up laying half on top of him, one leg on top of his thighs and his cheek resting against his collarbone. Youngjae takes a deep breath in, enjoying the smell he loves so much, before sighing in content and ease. One of Jaebeom’s strong arm reaches around him and holds him firmly against his chest, while he starts playing with his hair lazily with his free hand. Youngjae hums in appreciation and, to thank him, he starts drawing slow circles against his hyung’s hip bones. 

It’s overwhelmingly sweet, and it becomes even worse when Jaebeom buries his face in Youngjae’s hair, breathing in the smell of his shampoo and he lets out a low, appreciative hum. With his face pressed against his chest Youngjae can feel and hear his heart beating and, he was right, it’s slow. Slower than it has ever been when they were cuddling on Youngjae’s couch, when it was so dangerous outside, with so much work to do and so many people they can’t trust around them. 

It’s just the two of them now. Breathing slowly and gazing at the stars. It’s so quiet. Nothing is dangerous here. Everyone else is asleep, nobody can see them, hear them. For once, they don’t need a blanket around them to feel safe. 

It’s silent for a while and once again Youngjae loses track of the time because he simply doesn't care. He could stay there forever. The world could end, just like that, he’d die happy. Slowly, rocked by the cool wind and the warmth of the body below him and the slow caresses of the grass against his arms and legs, and the gentle hand in his hair, he finds himself close to falling asleep. He’s just at the limit between his dream and the real world but he doesn't cross it. He can’t. Not when it feels so good to be there, not when he wants to enjoy every single second of it. 

Then suddenly the hand in his hair shifts a bit, moving to cup his cheek, thumb slowly stroking his cheekbone and Jaebeom’s low voice breaks the silence. 

“ You’re so good to me… “ he murmurs and Youngjae’s breath catch in his throat. He unintentionally tenses against him, startled by the praise, cheeks heating up right away and Jaebeom feels it, moves his face down just a notch to press his warm lips against his forehead. Youngjae doesn’t need anything more to relax again. 

“ I really appreciate it, you know ? “ Jaebeom continues, so quiet that Youngjae almost misses it because his pulse is so loud in his ear. “ I know I don’t say it often, but you’re so… “ 

He trails off, sighs. Youngjae’s heart breaks, and he melts, against his chest, touched by the words because he doesn’t need to hear the end of the sentence to understand. 

“ I’m flattered, hyung. “ he answers, squeezing his hip lightly because Jaebeom sounds so emotional, so flustered, that he knows some encouragement is in order. He also knows that Jaebeom hasn’t finished yet. Their talks are always like that. Slow. Quiet. It sometimes takes half an hour for them to finish a sentence, because they love the silences they share just as much as they love the words. 

“ No, but, really, I… “ he hesitates and Youngjae presses his cheek harder against him, tangles their legs. “ You are always so… So sweet. So cute. “

His fingers slowly reaches his chin and he lifts his face up. He’s shaking. Youngjae knows how hard it is for him, to voice his feelings out loud, to open his mind to him, and he wants to hug him tight and tell him how much he loves him, but at the same time… He wants Jaebeom to communicate with him when he needs to. He doesn’t want to interrupt. 

Obediently he looks up at him, needing to sit up just a bit so he can look at him in the eyes. 

And he was so stupid, thinking Jaebeom has the eyes of an adult. When they are so close to each other, no more filters to hide his feelings, he, too, has the eyes of a child. Even younger than Youngjae, maybe. He looks so scared and unsure and it’s like his eyes are pleading him to do something. And - oh, god, how he would do  _ anything for him _ . He wishes he could show him, tell him, choose the right words to make him believe in himself. But Jaebeom is a worrier. He’ll never believe in himself, he’ll always doubt and he’ll always be unsatisfied and it’s okay because it’s  _ him  _ and he knows how to deal with it, be happy with it. It’s okay because he is okay. 

“ Always so cautious and careful. “ Jaebeom breathes, his eyes trailing down to where his hand is brushing his cheek, then to his lips, his nose, his mole, and back to his eyes again and he stops there, looking like Youngjae is his everything too and for some reasons, Youngjae believes it. “ Take care of me so well. “ 

“ Hyung… “ Youngjae whispers, helpless, not knowing what he’s supposed to do or say but he wants to, wants to make him the happiest man on earth if he could. Jaebeom gently shakes his head and Youngjae knows what he means, because gestures tell as much as words do, and he relaxes. He doesn’t need to say anything. Jaebeom knows. 

“ Sometimes… Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t take care of you, ‘Jae. Like I allowed myself to be weak in front of you and now I’ve lost the chance of being taken seriously. Because, why would you even listen to me, to my advices, when I’m like that… When I’m so… “ 

He trails off again when Youngjae leans down to press a small peck against his cheek. He’s rewarded by a small gasp and Jaebeom’s arm pressing him further against him. 

“ You’re overthinking again, hyung. “ Youngjae says as he presses more barely-there kisses against his skin, just a small caress of lips before he moves back, and lifts one of his hand to cup his face. “ You’re not weak, you’re so strong, I wish I could show you just how strong you are. I’ll listen to every single advice you give me because I know they’re perfect. I want to be like you Jaebeom hyung, I’d like to be as perfect as you are. “ 

Jaebeom looks at him in awe, swallows heavily to try and stop the tears that are starting to accumulate in his eyes. How can someone who acts so tough and big, be so small and vulnerable ? How can no one see how sensitive, how fragile he really is ? How can Jaebeom think so little of himself when Youngjae would give him his whole world if he needed it ? 

When Jaebeom smiles again it’s him who looks overwhelmed this time. And it’s understandable. They usually have these talks through the phone, and now with those gentle touches and gentle looks it feels a bit too much. Too intimate. When they call each other, they’re friends. Now they look like lovers and Youngjae’s heart is in panic. And Jaebeom… He looks in pain, literally.

“ Thank you so much. “ he says, for the nth time and Youngjae doesn’t know what to do beside smile and nod, so he does. They must look so stupid from an outsider’s point of view. With Youngjae lying on top of Jaebeom and them stroking each other’s cheeks and looking at each other with millions of stars in their eyes. 

“ I’m really glad you think I take care of you well hyung. Sometimes I thought I was too much or… Not enough, I don’t even know. I’m sorry if I ever crossed some boundaries. “ Once again Jaebeom shakes his head slowly, never once breaking the eye contact and - Christ, his grin is so pretty, Youngjae wants to kiss it. 

“ Believe me ‘Jae, you’re just perfect for me. And, if you ever cross some boundaries… I’ll thank you. I think it would be good for me. “ 

He leans up, stretching his neck while bringing Youngjae’s face down by the hand he still has on his cheek, just to kiss the corner of his mouth very lightly. He’s shaking again. Youngjae realizes he never stopped shaking. He must be so scared, to put his walls down like that. 

Then Jaebeom blushes, and the way he looks away and turns his head shows him that he can’t handle the heavy eye contact anymore. His arm is still tight around his waist though, so Youngjae understands. He’s just shy. But his place is next to him, by his side, and as close to him as he can be. 

Slowly, not to startle his hyung, he lies down again, putting more weight against him and he hides his face against the crook of his neck. Everything is so soft and smells so good here, and all he sees his an endless expense of white, flawless skin, so he closes his eyes. He knows how reassuring it will be for Jaebeom, to know he can’t see him, but is still willing to stay there, right against him, always here for him.

And it’s reassuring for him too, that Jaebeom allows him to do that, to see him like that, to hear him say such honest words. For some reasons it feels as if Jaebeom feels the same about him, as if Youngjae is as important for him as he is for Youngjae. And it’s all he needs to know, really, all he needs to feel like he has fulfilled his dream. Jaebeom is so close like this, both mentally and physically, he gives him everything he needs to have in order to understand him fully and Youngjae is so, so thankful for that. He’s so proud, to be the one Jaebeom cares for so much, to be the one he opens up to. For the first time of his life he isn’t envious of anyone, he doesn’t want to be someone else. He just wants to stay in Jaebeom’s embrace for the rest of his life, falling asleep against him as he looks up at the sky. 

He just wants Jaebeom.

“ I want to take care of you, you know ? “ Jaebeom says and Youngjae hums in answer because, yes, of course he knows. Of course Jaebeom does. He’s so generous and kind and helpful. “ I want to take care of you so much. “ he repeats, caressing his back. “ Will you… Would you let me ? “ 

“ Yes. “ Youngjae answers, not missing a beat, not hesitating a single second. “ Of course I will, hyung. “ 

He resists the urge to tell him that he would let him do  _ anything _ . Really, anything, he meant it. Jaebeom could hurt him, he would thank him, because he would know that he meant well and just made a mistake. Jaebeom always means well, it’s impressive. If he could trust himself and others just a tiny bit more he could show the world how amazing he is. But he’s not, so it’s a secret, it’s only for the six of them to see and it’s okay. Because Jaebeom has assured them that he doesn’t need anyone else. Jaebeom can’t take care of everyone, he’s too shy. Jaebeom can only take care of his closest friends. And it’s so, so fine. if everyone could be like Jaebeom nobody would be sad anymore. 

“ What I meant, Youngjae, is… “ his arm come up to rub his own nape sheepishly and Youngjae groans, because it made the muscles under him shift when he was so, so close to fall asleep. 

“ I know, hyung. I know what I just agreed to. “ 

“ Y-You… You do ? “ Jaebeom asks, stilling, probably looking down at his hair to try and see his face. Youngjae nods against his neck. He doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t feel like he needs to.

He just agreed to be Jaebeom’s boyfriend, after all. It’s easy to guess what they both feel for each other now. 

“ T-Then won’t you… Aren’t you going to… “ Jaebeom stutters, arm falling back to wrap around his waist and he sounds so shy, so flustered, so embarrassed, that Youngjae has to leave his spot of warmth and softness to face the night again. He rests his forearms on each side of Jaebeom’s head, looking down at him with the foundest look he can manage and Jaebeom looks awe-struck. Once again he lifts his hand and caresses his face slowly, carefully, following the movement with his wide eyes and his cheeks redden again. 

“ What do you want me to do, hyung ? “ he murmurs softly, watching as Jaebeom becomes more and more visibly overwhelmed and it makes his own heart feel warm. 

Jaebeom doesn’t answer. He parts his lips and looks up at him with big, shiny eyes. He’s panting a little, because of Youngjae’s weight pressed against his lungs, but he doesn’t complain. With his hand cupping his face he gently pulls him forward, but Youngjae resists, making him stop immediately. He stills, keeping his hand right there, while he closes his mouth again, looking up at him with expectancy, curiosity, and nervousness in his eyes. He looks so cute like that, Youngjae’s heart melts, but he can’t do it, not just yet. 

“ I think I know what you want… “ he says, eyes fixated on his lips and he knows he should but he can’t look away. “ But I really don’t wanna make any mistakes with you. Could you ask for it, please, so I can be sure ? “ 

Jaebeom nods slowly, bringing Youngjae’s focus back to his eyes and he swallows heavily. He’s so pretty. So perfect. Jaebeom is so  _ good _ . 

The older’s other hand reaches up to his other cheek and he starts caressing his whole face and hair and neck and collarbones with rushed movements, almost desperate but still somehow gentle, and his eyes are pleading again. 

“ I trust you, ‘Jae. Please… Could you… C-Can you kiss me ? “

Youngjae doesn’t take the time to voice an answer. He dives in, pressing his lips against his hyung’s ones as softly as he can and he can feel him shake harder. But he can also feel his arms wrapping around his neck, bringing them closer, and he can feel their hearts beating hard and fast against each other, and he can feel Jaebeom’s heavy breathing through his nose and he can feel him melting against him and, more importantly, he can feel him fervently answering the kiss and it’s everything he needs. 

Jaebeom looks desperate. Panting every time they part and pleading him with his eyes and soft noises and it’s like he can’t get enough, so Youngjae gives and gives and he thinks he’ll never get tired of it either. He can live like that. With Jaebeom’s lips against his and nothing else in the world matters because it’s everything he’s ever wanted. 

To his surprise Jaebeom is very shy. He doesn’t need to be, they both know that this is what they both want, but he is. His gestures are cautious and he’s still shaking and the flush of his cheeks has spread to his ears and to his nape. It’s adorable. Yet, he doesn’t back away, doesn’t break their eye contact when Youngjae leans back. 

He’s overthinking again. It’s so obvious. Youngjae knows it, because Jaebeom is a worrier. Even when everything seems perfect he’ll worry, doubt, wonder, regret. And it’s okay, because he fights against it. It’s okay, because he cups Youngjae’s face and pulls him down again and kisses him passionately, the exact same way he would if he didn’t have any insecurities. He’s so strong, really, fighting against his dark thoughts, trusting Youngjae and trusting himself a bit too and Youngjae is so, so proud of him. 

Jaebeom might be a worrier, but all Youngjae can see is a warrior. 

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy everyone ~  
> Thanks a lot for reading until the end, I really appreciate it ! This fic is really important to me because it feels really personal... Like, Jaebeom's thoughts are basically what I think all the time and this was basically an exercise for me to convince myself that some people love me nevertheless... Thus, I love it a lot and I'm really proud ! But I have no idea if this is objectively good, tho, so I'd love to hear what you think of it ;) 
> 
> Please remember that English isn't my first language, so I'm really sorry if I made any mistake, don't hesitate to correct me if I did ! 
> 
> Once again, thanks a lot ^^  
> You can find me on twitter: @SSen_333 ( it's just me thirsting over Youngjae and Jaebeom )


End file.
